I arrived at my Freediving class a few weeks ago just in time for my coaches announcement that it was Cooper test day and to hear everyone else’s muttering of their disapproval of what lay ahead.

Cooper test is a 12 minute session of swimming laps – one apnea (under water) and one on the surface back and forth as quick as you can for 12 minutes. The idea is to do as many lengths as you can in the allotted time.

No one really looks forward to this test, basically, because to do well takes determined effort and quite a lot of discomfort and mental fortitude.

Usually this test is done with a partner. One swims whilst one the other spots for safety just in case someone passes out under water but mainly to count lengths.

On the last Cooper test several of us had done well, so it was suggested by our coach, that those with high scores buddy up in threes and play a game of catch up.

For example, one person swims a lengths and then as soon as they turn for the return leg the next person goes and attempts to play catch up or even lap their opponent while the third person keeps count on the side.

Straight away this throws a mental cat amongst the pigeons.

When we are racing the clock or simply training for ourselves we can set the pace.

We can create a rhythm and pace that suits us.

The better we get at this, the almost paradoxical idea of ‘going slow to go fast’ happens.

When we stay calm and in control the better we usually do because less energy is expelled through stress.

However when we are racing or competing against a opponent – in this case chasing someone or being chased, causes a certain feeling of anxiety.

Considering that Free diving is a sport where performance is massively increased the more relaxed you can be, it seems ironic that this test, especially with the new addition of racing an opponent had been added.

Not ideal I thought.

Sitting on the toilet, as is customary is at these times prior to a competition, I had that discussion one does with one self, when a potential threat looms on the horizon, regarding ‘what Id rather do’ and how the test ‘would be better performed’ to make me feel better about it – or more specifically about myself.

And we all do it. Worry unnecessarily.

But the truth is when we do this, what we are really doing is negotiating with ourselves or with our coaches out of fear. The fear of failure.

We don’t want to mess up –  simply because we want to feel good and ‘not shit’ about ourselves.

We want to be winners, not losers.

But the problem with this default thinking is that it can lead us to cheat, to take short cuts and to take the easy option or just not turn up.

And, because we all want to do well, it often comes at the cost of never actually getting better.

By thinking we are doing well, even if, really its just average, or should I say  ‘slightly better than the shit ones’, we can at least attempt to deceive ourselves for a while and celibate what is really, at best, mediocrity.

But the idea of doing shit initially, in order to improve, comes with no guarantee of progress long term. Right now may be as good as it gets!

This is a big issue and one that keeps us stuck in old patterns of behaviour.

It takes a lot to allow ourselves to let go of that feel good factor, of being a percieved winner in return for what is just an idea, a possibility, that in time we will surpass where we currently are at our best.

We just want to improve. We just want to go forwards.

The idea of going backwards to improve in the future is counter intuitive- it’s a risk.

We stand a chance of spending days or weeks, months, even years of no reward for an idea of perhaps ‘being better than where we are right now’ in the future.

And like I say we all do it.

As I got to the side of the pool after my toilet break analysis, one of the other guys was doing exactly the same and was trying to negotiate with the coach about what fins he should be able to wear.

We wear floppy, crappy fins in training deliberately to make it harder and to develop better technique.

However for the cooper test he wanted to wear his stiffer dive fins pleading ‘come on coach give me a chance!’

The question is a chance of what? A chance to appear better than we are. To deceive ourselves? To measure ourselves against those who have worn the shit fins?

10 lengths in shit fins is not the same as 10 lengths in stiff fins – but we pretend it does to make ourselves feel good enough or as good as or better than the others.

But its nonsense.

As I sat on the porcelain seat, the familiar voice that tires of my pleading kicked in and yelled at me –
‘who the f**k do you think you are? Telling the coach what you think is best? Can you imagine being in the SEAL teams and saying ‘now listen here staff, its a bit chilly today to get in the water, i think we should sit it out today’. He’d tell you to f**k off and to ring the ‘bell  of quitters’ and go home and not bother returning.
Now get out there and do what you are f**king told.
You are not here for a good time you are here to train, to get better and to improve! Pull your shorts up and crack on!!’.

So I did.

And interestingly, once Id adjusted to my reality, I could stop fretting and instead make a plan for what was actually happening as apposed to worrying about what I wish was not happening.

I briefed my training partner how I felt – he felt the same way, so we agreed to do our own thing and just go with what happens – ie if you lap me, so be it.

Also knowing what I now knew, I also volunteered to be chased. To have the position of most pressure, because now I saw it as an opportunity to learn, to develop and to improve. To use my mind coaching skills and knowledge to work inside a real time, self induced, stressful situation and to therefore hone those skills.

Then I sat down, sorted my breathing out, and just relaxed.

When our time started I just went to work.

Its  then very simple. Swim underwater, touch the side, swim back on my back to get my breath ready for the return leg underwater and repeat with zero breaks.

As a bi product of pre session analysis and mind coaching, of pre-comp breath work and then single mindedly going through the motions in the pool, I did not get lapped, I did not stop and I beat my previous number of laps.

Will I feel concerned the next time we do the Cooper test knowing this?

Of course I will. Its natural to feel anxious in these situations.

But the difference is each time I will apply the same ideas.

I will no doubt add to them and develop them. Ill get quicker at changing my mindset from panic to calm, from ideas of potential failure to that of a growth mindset regardless of outcome.

And to illiterate – Its constant work. Evolving our thinking, like any muscle, needs constant training. It never ends and we never become perfect, fearless, confident beings in all environments.

All we can attempt to do is get better than the last time we felt shit or afraid and anxious.

And each time we do, we feel better –  because win or loose, we are growing.