How do we know if we are Leaders?

Posted on February 8, 2015 by jonyoungmc

“Leadership is getting people to do what they often don’t want to do and to get them to do it willingly.”General Schwarzkopf

When I think of people I admire and look upon as a leader it’s not because they promise me any guarantees of success but rather they stand for a unified mission that in its uptake offers a chance to stand for something more than we currently are committing to.

And not through brain washing, bribes or threats but by connecting to our personal values and our basic instincts, the same values and instincts that taken to extremes we are willing to sacrifice everything for.

Leadership is finding a way to understand those qualities in a person and to be willing to invest the time to find how to stir those emotions in a way that allows us not only break through limitations that we thought impossible before meeting them, but also to understand that fundamentally we really did it ourselves.

In my mind a leader is a catalyst for change.

I heard it said that whenever there is three people there is always a leader, and not always the person who thinks they are. It’s the one who shows up and takes control when the often self-appointed leader is ducking for cover.

However I think it only really takes one to be a leader. We have a choice to be leaders in our own right as soon as we take ownership of who we are and the situations we are face with.

We become leaders when we except responsibility for what happens to us. Not blame but responsibility in taking a stand to handle it and not become victims of our circumstances.

And this is no easy feat. Difficult problems or hard choices often do not offer us a clear choice. Often after years of deliberation there is often no clear answer towards a definitive right or wrong decision.

In an age of overwhelming information and facts it seems impossible to find a consensus on anything. But despite this dilemma of what to do and the uncertainty, we are offered one absolute. We are offered an opportunity to choose who we want to be through these decisions.

We cannot guarantee that we have made the right choice, but depending on the choice we make it will be based on either our fears or desires. We can choose in those decisions what we stand for. Within these hard choices lies the possibility for each of us to demonstrate leadership.

Often we are unable to change the facts, but we can take charge of how we allow ourselves to interpret, respond and act in sight of those facts. We have the power to take charge of our thinking.

Regardless of our outlook on life, whether it’s through a positive or negative filter we still can stand in the possibility that there is always a way. Not because this is a fact, but because we understand that by doing so we change our intention and therefore the options that become available to us.

It’s not about positive thinking or unrealistic expectations but rather understanding how we work from an evolutionary perspective and how we have evolved to survive and using that technology to our advantage.

If Neuroscience has shown us that imagination is just another way to enhance the brains GPS system, (known as the posterior parietal cortex) then surely it is our responsibility to do that in some form.

To dream. Not to fantasise, but to have faith.

Whether we believe the glass to be half full or half empty is perhaps not as important as realising that whichever perspective we come from, the fact is that there is a glass that has potential for more in it. A possibility that we can be more. In fact 50 percent more in this case.

Just that action alone will begin to change our intentions and what presents itself as an opportunity.

This works on the same principal as the “Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon” or “frequency illusion” when a concept or thing you just found out about, suddenly seems to crop up everywhere. This is caused by two psychological processes.

The first one is selective attention which happens when you come across a new word, thing, or idea; after that, you unconsciously keep an eye out for it, and as a result find it surprisingly often.

The second process, confirmation bias, which reassures us that each sighting is further proof of our impression that the thing has gained overnight omnipresence.

Harvards Srini Pillay MD, explains that when we can see no hope, the thing to do is not look at external stimuli, but instead connect with intention.

It has been shown that if we connect with intention when we are lost we will more accurately remember previous actions and their consequences and when we do, that it is much more powerful than simply connecting with what’s happening on the outside.

Imagination is not just ‘the fodder for fools’ he tells us, it actually feeds the GPS system in the brain and when it does it also activates the action centres of the brain to allow us to be presented with better options known as Pre-empted perception.

It doesn’t mean plastering our face with a smile either. In fact it means the opposite. Positive thinking can often be detrimental when its principles for change are misunderstood.

Leadership is being able to accept that we do not feel good at times. Its a willingness to look at what is the root cause of our distress and how we can take responsibility for ourselves.

As leaders in our own life it is up to us to decide what we want to believe in and make a stand. If we are not willing to stand for what we believe, but choose simply to be reactive to our environment, someone will appoint themselves leaders of ‘our brains same technology’ even if you don’t. We will inadvertently be allowing ourselves to be guided by the wishes of others instead.

We are often told that people are born Leaders. Even if this was a fact, which it’s not, its ambiguity allows for the possibility that if we were born, we are therefore leaders.

Whether you decide to believe that or not is also your choice.

Perceived Control

Posted on February 8, 2015 by jonyoungmc

How many of us go through life attempting to control what happens to us, believing that our actions somehow prevent unwanted events unfolding. That we can somehow save the universe we live inside of.

How much of our lives are spent in fight or flight in an attempt to keep some sort of equilibrium, running between metaphorical spinning plates, desperately trying to stop any off them from falling a smashing into a million pieces and causing a ripple effect then sends all the plates spinning off their axis.

This constant state of tension only serves to produce a holistic sickness and does nothing to elevate or control the randomness of events.

The only control we have is in how we approach our life’s narrative, and how we perceive those unfolding events.

The only thing we control is how we protect our bodies and minds during these times.

By understanding more about why we do what we do, both physiological and psychological, and looking externally at nature for ways to alleviate tension and trauma, we give our selves the opportunity to vaccinate ourselves against difficult and stressful times.

Below is an extract from Benjamin Button showing the futility of trying to control events. All we have in the end is a choice – an ability to control how events occur to us and how we respond during and after these inevitable times. –

“Sometimes we’re on a collision course, and we just don’t know it. Whether it’s by accident or by design, there’s not a thing we can do about it. A woman in Paris was on her way to go shopping, but she had forgotten her coat – went back to get it. When she had gotten her coat, the phone had rung, so she’d stopped to answer it; talked for a couple of minutes. While the woman was on the phone, Daisy was rehearsing for a performance at the Paris Opera House. And while she was rehearsing, the woman, off the phone now, had gone outside to get a taxi. Now a taxi driver had dropped off a fare earlier and had stopped to get a cup of coffee. And all the while, Daisy was rehearsing. And this cab driver, who dropped off the earlier fare; who’d stopped to get the cup of coffee, had picked up the lady who was going to shopping, and had missed getting an earlier cab. The taxi had to stop for a man crossing the street, who had left for work five minutes later than he normally did, because he forgot to set off his alarm. While that man, late for work, was crossing the street, Daisy had finished rehearsing, and was taking a shower. And while Daisy was showering, the taxi was waiting outside a boutique for the woman to pick up a package, which hadn’t been wrapped yet, because the girl who was supposed to wrap it had broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and forgot.

When the package was wrapped, the woman, who was back in the cab, was blocked by a delivery truck, all the while Daisy was getting dressed. The delivery truck pulled away and the taxi was able to move, while Daisy, the last to be dressed, waited for one of her friends, who had broken a shoelace. While the taxi was stopped, waiting for a traffic light, Daisy and her friend came out the back of the theater. And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn’t broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn’t stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would’ve crossed the street, and the taxi would’ve driven by. But life being what it is – a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone’s control – that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed.”
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

Is Goal setting really WHY we succeed? And why do they fail sometimes?

Posted on December 17, 2014 by jonyoungmc

You may swear you want the body of a goddess, and you may have an amazing, time specific, all singing all dancing goal to get there, but if you keep finding yourself on a date in Starbucks drinking full fat hot chocolate whilst recovering from a hard night on the town you’ve probably skipped delving into WHY you want this outcome!

Funnily enough why you are in Starbucks on a date is probably the same reason you wanted the body of a goddess….but double choco mocho doo-da is instant gratification to your underlying needs and a sure winner, even though its detrimental to who you want to be long term.

So is there a solution and is it goal setting specifically?
Just recently it’s been interesting talking to several athletes regarding goal setting and what they put their success down to, the reason for failing in the past to accomplish their goals and what they consider to be the reason for their recent successes.

And the results have often been outstanding in short periods of time.
Results that had eluded them for 10 months, by simply altering their goals, they have accomplished what they had desired often in under 8 weeks!
And it’s clear that goal setting has a huge part to play in securing that success.

On the surface it looks just like that – Right goal, correct planning, time specific and being held accountable, all seem to be the formula for success.
The question that interest me, is how can someone who knows what to do regarding goal setting and are also experts in their field, fail in one instance to acquire results and yet achieve better results in half the time by simply changing a goal?

Is it simply a case of changing a goal and following the same methodologies that advocates success, or have we missed something very subtle, but fundamental that’s going on under the radar?

Let’s take a standard request – (especially with the New Year coming up.)
‘I want to get in shape’.
Ok cool. Now the goal protocol that most people follow goes like this.

First make it as specific as possible –
why do you want to lose weight? – And there are many reasons why this could be from going on holiday, health, attracting a partner, to get into a wedding outfit or to do a sporting event.

Then we are told to put a time frame on it, to set a specific value – so instead of the ambiguous ‘I want to lose some weight’ we should say ‘I want to lose six lbs in six weeks’ and then make smaller weekly goals to achieve that.

We then we are asked to think about why we really want to achieve it.
And this is perfect Goal setting protocol.
We now know, what we want, how to do it and why we say we want it.
So how comes this system work sometimes and fail in others?

Or is it just a case of keeping changing our goals until one sticks?
There’s several clues we need to look at.

One is, that when goals have been changed, results that have alluded the same person, have been achieved often as a bi product and in a fraction of the time with the new goal. The other clue is – The Formula – the way the goal is set up – is the same.

Simon Sinek, in his book ‘Start with Why’ devised an idea by looking at successful people and companies such as Apple and looked at why they had been successful in a market where others had failed even though they had a better product or solution to a problem.

And it turned out to be a simple principle and something Sinek calls, ‘The Golden Circle’.
Most people work from WHAT they want, HOW they can get it and lastly they skim lightly over WHY they want it at a surface level.

People who seemed to be excelling get very, very clear on WHY they want to achieve certain things. Then and only then do they create a strategy that works in reverse to conventional wisdom. They start with – WHY- HOW-WHAT.

I believe, when people say they changed their goal and this is what reaped success, have simply aligned themselves with what intrinsically drives them – usually by chance.

And it’s in that alignment that drives us to succeed.

If we believe in an idea, or align our values with what we want, then we set a very powerful driver in place.

And I don’t like to call that drive motivation. Motivation is subjective and only for the moment. People who succeed are inspired either to move towards or away from something.

It’s not always a positive force either. Many successful people are driven by a fear or failure or returning to a place in their past where things were not so rosy.

For many athletes, the sweet taste of success is often driven by an innate hate of failure that penetrates their sense of identity and their belief systems.
I think we fail goals long before we even start writing down the goal formula.
But success does not have to be a fluke.

You want to talk about accountability – there’s nothing stronger than an internal fear or desire. Telling your friends doesn’t usually keep you accountable – your values and sense of identity do.

I think we give credit to the method of goal setting when I think our success or failure really lies in the goal itself.

Once we are intrinsically and emotionally aligned with an outcome, how we get there – a goal plan – are simply just details, like a map or a car are for getting to a destination.
It does not mean it’s easy once these drivers are in place and aligned. Far from it.

Ironically people who are aligned to their goals work much harder. Or at least harder at getting to their destination. When we are not aligned, or there is conflict, we tend to expel most of our energy trying to avoid what we say we want.

If you have a strong enough reason WHY you need to get somewhere, one that resonates with who you are deep down, then we can endure pretty much any HOW to get there.

Also by understanding WHY intrinsically, we really want our ‘surface goal’, we can then ascertain whether this is the best way to get those needs met.
Because unless we do this fundamental part of the process and ascertain why we are attempting a particular action, we are at the mercy of any temptation that’s offers us an easy – often detrimental – solution to our intrinsic needs, which inevitably is why we fail to keep our goals.
There’s often a conflict that eludes most of us within our goals. We may want more money but still want to work part time, or we may want to get in shape but love socialising with our friends down the pub.

However, when we strip down the ‘Why’ of wanting our version of a ‘body of a goddess’ down to our human needs, it become blindingly obvious why we are not getting it and where the conflicts are!
By paying attention to this area we have a better chance of designing and sticking to our goals.

By looking at the things that distracted us and have made us fail in the past and at those goals that we were successful at we can begin to look at the WHY’s in those situations. This will give us clues to what motivates us and also why we fail.
Because even in failure we learn what motivates us – it’s just what motivates us away from discomfort. Once we know this, we can use the same emotional force but for success in all of our goals!
Find your WHY. WHY you do and WHY you don’t do things, WHY you fail and WHY you excel.

Start here and you’ll stand a far better chance of choosing the right goals for you!

The real meaning of strength

Posted on December 5, 2014 by jonyoungmc

This time two years ago, I lost my mother to cancer.

We all have things we fear in life and to lose my parents was mine.
I remember getting the news and feeling devastated.

Cancer to me meant one thing, regardless of my mother’s comforting words that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she would be here for my brothers new baby and that her unfaltering faith in God allowed her to believe and assure us she would be saved.

I can remember feeling comforted by this because of the deep-seated desire to want and need to believe this, but shortly after there was a moment where I broke.

Control is something we cling to in these moments and a desire to fix it is overwhelming.

What is more overwhelming is when we recognise that we can’t.

There was no sacrifice I could make, nothing I could physically fight, lift or run to, that could make what my mother had, go away.

None of the physical or mental attributes I had could cure her.
I also remember thinking what strengths do I have that might make a difference.

One thing I do obsessively when I have a passion is research. I do not always hold onto the information afterwards, but I saturate an area of study in order to find what I am looking for.

My brother is similar to me in this, especially when it is something or someone we deeply care about.

During this period we sought endlessly, ways in which to prevent what we had been told was the outcome of my mother’s condition. We denied it.

Not only did we deny it, we defied what would be the inevitable.
In our love we bombarded my mum and dad with research, cures and diets.

I can remember my mum calling me one day and asking us to stop. To step back and let things be.

This is one of the hardest things to accept when it’s someone you love or it’s something you believe with all your heart and yet it is not your decision to make. It feels like giving up.

When this period of my life was happening what is very evident, is that we are not alone in our suffering.

I met some incredible people who had been where I had been, where I was going, and who were suffering in their own way, both those with cancer and also those who were caring for someone or had been left behind.

At the time I was very focused that my mother would not die.
My father, during this time was recording conversations which despite our need to hang onto hope was really him preparing for a time when those conversation would cease and would give us some comfort afterwards and another way to remember her.

I listened to one of these recordings with my mother, where I am trying to convince her to follow a particular diet.

It saddens me still because when I heard myself. I heard the uncertainty of what I was saying.

Although I had the best intentions, when it is someone else’s life you are playing with you begin to realise there is no certainty. To decide which option is best when the wrong decision could make things even worse. It takes a lot to be the one to make the decision what to do, especially when someone’s demise or suffering could be the outcome of a wrong decision.

During this time I was very fortunate to have someone close to me whose mother had had the same cancer as mine, but had passed away some months earlier.

Something that she said still echoes in me. She said that I should spend the time just being with my mum. Enjoying her company and just talking normal trivia as I would normally.
At the time I did agree, but when I look back I never really did until it was too late.

During the time she could comprehend what I said, my focus was on getting her better. By the time I could let go from this idea, morphine has a way of making those conversations impossible – but at least for the majority it does relieve the pain which becomes the only importance then.

It’s very hard to accept something and act accordingly before it is reality.

Something I say to others suffering from certain things, is in order to cope or refocus, to look at helping others.

Nowhere is this more evident than when you see a loved one who has been told they will die. To sit there and hear that news delivered is shattering for a family, but for the person themselves it must be unimaginable.

My mother’s bravery in that moment is etched in my mind for ever. No doubt in the nights that followed whilst she could still comprehend, she must have been terrified and questioned her faith, but in that moment the doctor delivered the blow, she took it straight on the chin like nothing I have experienced before.

How? Because all around her was her family and that was always her focus – family.

Her focus, even in those darkest moments, like any loving mother, was to make sure we were OK.

And when it was not visiting hours, her focus went to insure those dying alongside her where OK.

An amazing women.

Never before have I experienced such bravery and selflessness in the face of adversity. Never before have I witnessed such strength.

Here’s to continually growing and harvesting those attributes both in myself and in others.

Take a moment to acknowledge and appreciate those people who are special in your life and take the time to let them know in some way. Be present in their company for a moment.

Get around people who make you grow and share your passions in the same way.

That way even when we are gone, the good stuff, and the juice of life that’s makes the difference, that ‘builds the base’ keeps on going in generations to come!

Fear of being average

Posted on December 3, 2014 by jonyoungmc

Someone responded to my recent post ‘When do we win’ and part of that reply was as follows. Underneath was my response which highlights why these concerns come up for us.

RESPONSE

“In the spirit of sharing, my fear is of being average at something I feel really passionate about. Every time I step in the gym or test myself, its an opportunity to strip all of that away 1 rep, kilo or second at a time. Strength to me, is about making a consistent choice to engage with that process so that I can enable others to do the same.”

Well I know I’m on the right track if my posts remind you of the Matrix!;-)

Your right though its about small steps. It can be hard to keep having to push through obstacles though.

Ideally we want to find a way to be pulled towards something, because essentially, that way we are less likely to quit. Will power has a shelf life, especially when fears breathing all over it!

Im convinced that by stripping things down to their basic truths we save so much energy, and stop fighting the wrong opponent.

Being average isn’t the intrinsic fear, its what’s held inside of being average that will hold the juice for you. Its what being average will mean about you, what memories it brings up that you fear reliving, what threats it poses or that by being average conflicts with who you think you are meant to be.

Many of us deceive ourselves about who we should be and are continually in conflict with ourselves because life keeps delivering evidence to the contrary. (Watch the Apprentice to see this phenomena in action)

We all want to be the leading role in the film of our lives, but if we keep being cast as the ‘a tree’ for the scenery, we have to look at ‘why?’ rather than getting upset. When we know ‘who we are’ we can get training with the correct plan for us and not for who we think we are.

Ironically, the only way to be who we THINK we are, is to first know WHO we really are.

I might be mentally deluded enough to think im Laurence Shahlaei, but when i start using his training routine im going to be dead under the first squat! Its not to say I can not set my goals to be like him (bit of a stretch mind!!!) but I have to be honest that Im 5’6 and 64kg’s! Ironically by telling ourselves the truth we stop failing. I start by squatting 60kg not 260kg when I know im Jon not Laurence and I start making progress and eventually I become who I want to be.

I know this is a funny comparison, but we do it all the time. We take a prescription that is meant for someone else and then wonder why we still feel shit!